Ups and Downs November 30, 2009

I recently had the opportunity to have a conversation with a new, young friend who is struggling with questions of career, purpose, singleness–all questions I’ve asked over the last 10 years or so.  As we talked over quesadillas and salsa, I had the sense that this was one of those divinely appointed moments.  My friend was searching for answers, and I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness.  Although I didn’t have a lot of answers to her questions, I hope that I at least was able to convey a sense of God’s faithfulness and  provision through the searching and the questions in every season of life.

As is often  the case, when I got in the car to go  home and turned on my Ipod, this song by Kendall Payne was playing. (I like to call this phenomenon the soundtrack to my life).  This song seemed to capture the substance and shape of our conversation.

 

Ups and Downs

by Kendall Payne

All that I’ve found through the ups and downs
Is that I’d have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It’s both lovely and ugly the same

Who can attest that when they’re at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It’s coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light inside to shine

So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and you try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it’s better than playing it safe

We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I’ll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear

So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it’s better than playing it safe

So let it go, when it don’t feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

I Want You To Know Who I Am November 19, 2009

I was driving with one of my Young Life friends the other day, and she wanted to hear a song we  sang at camp.  The song turned out to be “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, one of my favorite bands, and we started listening to it on my iPod.  I said what do you think that song means?  She replied, “I think he’s talking to God.  I think that’s why I like it.  It’s what I would say to God if I could talk to him.”  The song was actually written for the movie City of Angels which is about an angel who gives up everything to be with the woman he loves.   The refrain, “I just want you to know who I am,” is repeated over and over.

My friend is a new believer, and she’s learning to know God.  Teenagers are masters of the mask and pretending to be something they are or are not.  It’s really neat to hear my friend say, this is what I would tell God.  I want you to know me.

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
‘Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

The Grace of Darkness November 4, 2009

A couple weeks ago we had a guest speaker at church who gave a really honest sermon on pain and suffering and disappointment.  Instead of  a sugar sweet happy ending, this speaker said in effect, “Sometimes we do give our all to God in His service and sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we plan.  But, I still know who God is and I still trust him.”  In the past when I’ve heard these sermons they tend to be the type that lays out all the pain and suffering and how God has delivered that person from the trials and tribulations of life and now everything is happy all the time.  I usually walk away from those types of sermons cynically asking, “Well, what if God didn’t heal you?” or “What if your marriage did in fact end in divorce?” Would you be praising God the same way you are now?  It was refreshing to hear someway honestly say, “Yeah, I’ve had questions and I’ve walked away from God, but by His grace, I’m still trusting Him today.”

Today, I happened to read an interview with Steven Curtis Chapman on the death of his daughter and how his family has healed after this tragedy.  I’ve never been a big Chapman fan, because he always seems to paint a rosy-colored picture of Christianity in his music.  This interview seemed to capture a more honest, and sometimes even darker, side of Chapman.  The events in life that shake our faith to the core always seem to require some wrestling with the deep and a perseverance to keep wrestling and keep holding on long after we’ve given up hope.

Two things struck me about Chapman’s struggle that seem to answer for me how we continue to live in the face of grief and deep disappointment.  One, Chapman over and over repeated Truth to himself.  When he couldn’t find the Truth in himself, he went to trusted mentors and counselors and said, Is this really true?  Can I really trust God?  In spite of doubt and questions, Chapman chose to believe what was True and Real.

But, more than that Chapman also came to realization that even asking the questions and recognizing when we are about to fall into those dark place of doubt is grace.

At the hospital at Vanderbilt, literally within an hour of knowing that my little girl was in heaven with Jesus, I found myself having to make a choice, when I would start to feel myself and everything in me being sucked into this place, this abyss. I would begin to say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord. You give. You take away. But, God, I trust you. I trust you. You are faithful. You are good. I trust you. I trust you.” And as I would say that, literally just choose to make that declaration in the midst of this, I would almost physically feel myself being pulled back from that place. And I’d start to breathe again.

But it wouldn’t be long before I would go, “But, God, what? How could this happen? How are we ever going to survive?” And it’s like here I go back into that black, dark place.

But there was a grace to even recognize that you were falling into that place.

Yes. That is the grace and the gift of God to be able, in that process, to make that choice. That’s the crazy theology of all that—to even be able to make that choice to say, “God, I trust you,” that is a gift of grace.

Windy Gap October 2, 2009

“If I acted crazy, I did it for God; if I acted overly serious, I did it for you. Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do.”  1 Corinthians 5, The Message

These verse have been stuck in my head the last few weeks at Young Life Club.  As much as I look forward to and love club and seeing all my high school friends, there are days when I need to be reminded why I’m investing so much time and energy into this endeavor.  The simple answer:  Christ’s love.

This weekend, I get to go with somewhere between 10 and 30 high school students to Windy Gap on a weekend retreat.  I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with the friends I already know and looking forward to getting to know some new friends.  Most of all, I’m excited that I get to take a weekend away and share Christ’s love with my friends.  Whether I act crazy or overly serious, Christ’s love has the first and last word in everything I do.  I pray that this is true.

Speaking Louder Than Before August 22, 2009

A few days ago I posted my status in Facebook, as “Julie is speaking louder than before.”  Several long lost friends liked my status, but I’m not sure they understood the meaning behind my status.  I’ve always been soft spoken, so they probably thought it meant that I’m talking louder.

But, the real meaning behind the status is found in the words of this Jeremy Camp song.  About a month ago I had the opportunity to spend a week with 12 high school students at Young Life camp.  If someone had told me this sometime last year that I would be involved in high school ministry now, I would have laughed.  Never mind that I’m involved in high school ministry, and I absolutely love it.

Camp was probably the best week of my life (just like the tagline says) because God opened my heart to get to know 12 amazing teens.  Eight of those were girls that had the opportunity to live with for a week.  And for the last few weeks 3 of those girls and I have been meeting together to talk about what it means to be a Christian and how to walk with Jesus.  I love their questions, and I love watching them take steps to be more like Christ.

This song captures how I feel about these students.  I want to speak louder than I did before about the Hope that I have that is the only sure and solid ground.

We are, we are in desperation
We need to reach this generation
We are speaking louder than before

We are the hope that’s been forgotten
We have the love that will be brought and
We are speaking louder than before

Everything’s so surreal
But this urgency I feel
We should be reaching out to all these desperate pleas

Oh, the need is real can’t you feel it the call it revolution
My beating heart is breaking for them
That’s why I’m speaking now
That’s why I’m speaking now